I had a really good response from everyone and I'm really grateful so many people participated in this!! Thank you :D. Definitely something I will consider doing again in the future.
The only problem is that it's hardly unanimous, is it?! Like, I can't really draw a determined conclusion from this set of results. But I kind of think it highlights a key point - some women can have casual, no strings attached (NSA) sex, and some women can't. Let's discuss...
Just so you're all aware, I will be making heterosexist assumptions throughout this post, purely in the interest of simplicity, 'kay?
So, according to Donna Freitas, who wrote a book called Sex and the Soul (creepy!), NSA sex is another term for having sex with nothing (no strings) bonding the two parties together.
This whole "hooking-up" thing has become popular culture now amongst young adults, hasn't it? Booze induced normally, but it's becoming more common to have sober, purely sexual relationships. How many of you are on dating websites for people who literally just want a brief sexual encounter, or are looking for an ongoing sexual relationship with no promise of anything more than the sex? Ok, so I don't really know anyone who's on those sites (that I'm aware of), but they're out there. You get my point (?).
I think that socioculturally we now have the benefits of contraception, and we're forever delaying marriage, so casual sex has become the filler of the gap between the onset of sexual desire and a long-term relationship.
There are studies on hook-up culture, I won't bore you with them all, but this one by Owen et al was the one I found to be the most prolific...
Owen et al's study was conducted in 2008, where he and other researchers assessed over 800 college students, on campuses in the Western and Southeastern United States.
Owen's research found that there was no difference between the numbers of men and women who reported hooking-up. Results found that those college students who were hooking up were not dysfunctional, disturbed, emotionally-troubled young adults. In actual fact, they tended to be from wealthier families, and in men at least, higher psychological "well-being" predicted more hooking-up (this might relate to mate selection from the evolutionary perspective, in that women might be more likely to hook-up with a man who is doing well).
It was noted that more men reported that the experiences of hooking-up was positive (around 50%), compared to 24% of women. Almost half of all women reported a negative reaction to hooking-up. However, an interesting point was raised, that people who viewed hooking-up positively were more likely to have positive experiences with hooking-up. If you believe it will be a good experience, or a bad experience, it seems that this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, if we are telling women that casual sex is negative and unfulfilling, it may be that we are creating this outcome in women, who might otherwise be unbothered by just hooking-up.
Although studies on this are interesting, obviously this is a relatively new field of study, so I figured we should maybe focus on some biological factors involved with NSA sex as well...
The physiology
Post-feminism women feel that they can behave like men sexually. I think this is feasible, but I think it important to remember that women ARE different than men.
Let's talk Oxytocin:
Oxytocin is hard to study ethically, but they did some tests on voles... I'll spare you the details and let you know the bare bones (pun fully intended, albeit not my best):
Oxytocin makes women want to bond, it's nicknamed "The Cuddle Hormone" (vom). When women have sex, Oxytocin is released in the brain because of the evolutionary drive to attach to someone who may be the potential father of a possible child. Evolution is not switched off because you've got a condom on, or are using any other form of contraception.
Ergo, oxytocin is super annoying.
GIRLS: when you're getting sexual with a partner of whom you do not wish to pursue a monogamous relationship with, beware. Keep in mind that your body will be working against you. Oxytocin may not be the reason you fall in love but it may contribute to it. It will lower your anxiety making you more comfortable, it will increase your trust, your brain will send out some dopamine and natural opiates making you feel all "warm and fuzzy" (vom) and give you a natural high around that person. In addition, most of the studies have shown that there are higher levels of Oxytocin in monogamous animals, so we might be able to infer that non-monogamous animals - or those who are less likely to stick to one partner - will have lower levels of this neurotransmitter and are less likely to get attached to you despite your growing attachment to them.
Ergo, OXYTOCIN HATES US! Naughty biology makes us grow strings!!
Not for men though... during sex men's bodies release testosterone which drives them off to go find some other women with whom to spread their biological material. GOOD. Can the genders EVER be on the same page?
This all looks pretty bleak on the whole girls-CAN-have-no-strings-attached-sex-TOO front; but I don't think all is lost. We're yet to address the question of whether our psychology can override our biology?
Of course, being higher order beings, we can control our emotions and our biological urges. Obviously this takes work, experience and maturity; but I've seen it done...
I don't really want to get too personal in this post, lest I incriminate anyone who does not want to be involved(/myself), but I know loads of girls who are able to have NSA sex and not get all needy afterwards. In fact, it is a running joke throughout my friendship group that there's nothing worse than getting a face cup (or other similar intimacies) after sex that's just sex. Cringe.
Are we all just lying to ourselves? Should women even have casual sex at all?
In my opinion 'shoulds' are simply not applicable when it comes to sex. Whatever works between consenting adults is not to be judged by anyone. From my own personal experience, I would say it IS possible for women to have NSA sex, and I think it's about time society evolved to accept that.
Perhaps without the stigma of neediness, women wouldn't feel it so necessary?? Then everyone's a winner, right?
When it comes to sex, my advice is, if it feels good, do it (safely), but if it does not feel good, don't bother.
It is an issue for debate. A debate between "self-proclaimed sluts" (little harsh, but I put it in for comedy) and those who believe that casual sex is inherently unhealthy and destructive towards women. I think it depends on your attitude towards sex as to which camp you sit on. If you have had experiences in your past that have enabled you to seperate emotions from sex, I think this helps. Or potentially even if you've had a more liberal upbringing...
It's all opinion though. I mean, do men and women differ in their responses to casual sex? Yes, probably. Do we understand these differences fully, or their causes? No. Are the differences universal and categorical? No. All men do not enjoy casual sex, though this might be true for many of them. Nor are all women harmed by casual sex, or turned off by it, though again, this might be true for many women.
There's one thing I am clear on and that's this - can women enjoy casual sex? Absolutely.
Ultimately it comes down to personal choices. If a woman wants to be a self-proclaimed slut, while another woman wants to wait 'til marriage, they should be free to make their own sexual decisions without being judged.
So guys, now you're probably freaking out about Oxytocin and bonding, but don't fret; there are ways to have purely sexual relationships - you just need to make sure you've got the right person.
The only way to ensure you've found someone who won't tie themselves to you with string (not literally, that might be what you're into) is to establish the nature of your relationship through communication. The most important part of casual relationships is to ensure that no one gets hurt; and I think this can easily be done by simply being honest. If it's just sex, assert that it's just sex. As long as both parties are aware of what the other person expects from the relationship and what they are entering into, there can be no hard feelings if one party gets too involved. And if you're feeling like you're investing too much into the relationship, probably best to GET OUT. You'll only end up resenting the other person, and that's not fair if you entered into the relationship knowing where they stood.
I think a couple of key things to remember are, a) don't drag things out if you think there's inequality in the relationship - it won't end well, and b), no matter how long you think it might take, you can't make a person like you; if they're not into you in the same way, that's not their fault - don't wait around for heartbreak, move on.
Finally, if in doubt of the status of your relationship, always assume that it's just sex until you've had the "feelings conversation". That way, you're protected.
Tu capisci?
Let me know your thoughts, and have fun getting (safely) laid, you lot!
L.
